Trapped
by TheBeehive
Summary: Rachel is trapped with the memories that was left by her boyfriend, John. can she break through? There's only one way to find out...
1. Chapter 1

3 A.M.

Can't believe I'm still awake. Could it be because of him? I really don't get myself right now. People keep telling me to get over him but I never do what people say. So here I am under my sheets trying to sleep and forget about everything that happened between me and him. My attempts seem really hopeless but I guess I just have to strive really hard…

Finally all my thoughts laid to rest and dreams filled my head but as they did, I felt the need to get up because all I was dreaming about was you. Your face, your smile, those eyes, they were all there. Ready to take me in and crush me all over again. And suddenly, I noticed that this was no longer a dream but an everlasting nightmare of our relationship and how it came crashing down. All of this because of one simple mistake, and it happened like this…


	2. Chapter 2

December 24, 2008. Christmas Eve, a time to prepare for tomorrow's big event namely, Christmas and every year we celebrate it by having a party among friends and maybe family, if they don't end up embarrassing us.

"Hey," John said embracing me from behind where I can't see him.

"Hi," I said turning back and kissing him on the lips. As obvious as it is, John is my boyfriend of 1 year and a half and right now, I think that it'll last a really long time.

"What are you doing?" he asked sweetly

"I'm just listing some things I need to buy for the party tomorrow," I said picking up the list and showing to him

"Why do you need band-aids?" he asked confused.

"I don't know. Maybe if someone would be careless enough to scratch him/herself we would have something to protect it from getting infected." I said and he laughed

"Whatever nerd," he said giving the list back to me

"Hey, it could happen!" I said defending myself. Fine, maybe we really don't need band-aids and besides if someone gets a scratch or something, it's their problem, not mine. John went over to the fridge and got a bottle of water.

"Want some?" he asked before he closed the fridge

"No thanks," I said putting the list on top of the table.

"I wanted to take you out today but it seems like you're busy so-"

"No, I'm actually pretty bored. Where did you want to go?" I said. I really needed to get out of this house because if I don't maybe I'll never get out. I mean there's so much to do around here and oh never mind…

"Why don't we just drive for a little while?" he said taking his keys out of his pocket. Afterward, he took my hand and we both went out the front door and got in his car.

We rode around for a while not really having anywhere to go to. It was really unusual seeing the road empty at this time of day. I looked out the window and just stared at the buildings we passed.

"So I was thinking that maybe we should just cancel the party and have a little day of our own. What do you say?" he asked softly.

"But we can't cancel the party. A lot of people already RSVPed and-"

"So I'm guessing that's a no." he said disappointed.

"Sorry…"

"It's okay. I get it."

"Get what?"

"I get that you don't really want to spend time with me and that you'd rather be with other people." He said and before I could say anything, he took a sharp U-turn that made me bump my head hard on the window.

"You can't make a U-turn here. It's illegal." I said rubbing the part of my head that got hit.

"Too bad. I already did." He was headed back to my house.

"Look I only hold a party at this time of year because Christmas is usually about spending time with other people. You'll be there too and we can spend time together-"

"With a whole lot of other people? I don't think so." He said speeding up a little.

"What is up with you today?" I said gripping the leather seat tight as the meter went over 70 kilometers per hour

"Nothing's wrong" he said keeping his eyes on the road and his foot on the pedal

"Whoa, slow down!" I said and before anything else happened, we crashed right into a large truck. Head on collision.

I was unconscious for what seemed like forever. All I could see was black and there was no way I could lift my eyes lids. I felt some kind of fluid flow down my arm and after that, nothing. I was numb and helpless...


	3. Chapter 3

When I finally had the strength to open my eyes, I found myself in a hospital bed. I looked around to see where John could possibly be. I tried to get up but my body failed me. Was I paralyzed? Out of anxiety, tears sprung out of my eyes and I just lay there crying. I can't be paralyzed. I still have a life to live, a long path ahead of me and John. I still had him; I mean I believe that I still have him. If ended up in a hospital bed, probably he did too.

I looked at my body and notice that there were a lot of wires attached to me but sadly I couldn't feel them. My conclusion: Paralyzed.

But right now, I couldn't think of anything else but John and that conversation we had in the car. I think argument might be a better word for it.

"Ms. Neilson, are you awake?" a doctor asked. I just nodded.

"Let me give you a small check-up. Now follow the light with your eyes" he said as he flashed a little flashlight in front of me and he moved it from left to right. I did what he said. Afterward, he wrote something on his clipboard. I tried to speak but then I couldn't.

"If you feel numb, that doesn't mean you're paralyzed. You were under an operation and probably the anesthesia didn't wear off yet so it might take around thirty minutes before you can move properly again." The doctor said.

"J-john" I said managing to say something but my voice sounded hoarse. Maybe I was just dehydrated.

"Now's not a good time," the doctor said and he quickly exited the room. I wonder what made him do such a thing.

Minutes later, a nurse came in to fix whatever was attached to me and did what she was supposed to do.

"Someone would like to see you. Would you like that right now?" the nurse asked.

"John?" I asked softly and she shook her head

"Nobody told you? John's dead dear," the nurse said and I just stared. My eyes started to well up and I cried.

"I didn't mean to-" the nurse said and she went out of the room. Another person came in but I really did not care. It was too much. John's dead? How can this possibly be? And what's worse is that he's dead because of me. So I drowned myself in tears.

"Hey," someone whispered softly. I couldn't determine who it was because my vision was blurry and I couldn't really lift my arm and wipe my tears away. All I knew was that the visitor was a guy and he wiped my tears with a face towel. It felt cold against my skin and once my vision was clear again, I noticed that it was Liam, John's best friend.

"I'm sorry," I said sobbing. More tears started to stream down my face.

"It's not your fault," he said trying his best to choke back his tears. If you look at him, it would be pretty clear that he's been crying. Red eyes and nose prove it. I haven't seen him cry before but I can't tell him that now because he just lost someone and so did I. Even though he said that it wasn't my fault, I still feel guilty for what happened.

"It is my fault. I'm the reason why he's- he's-" I said not being able to finish the sentence

"Shh," he said sitting down on the chair beside me and rubbing my arm up and down.

"I can't believe I actually did this to him and he-"

"Things happen Rachel, you're not responsible. He was speeding up in a 40kph road and crashed into a truck. He was being careless and he was the one in the driver's seat, not you."

"But the only reason he did that was because I turned him down. He asked me to cancel the party which obviously I know have to cancel and I was too selfish. I should've said yes and this never would've happened. I'm so sorry, Liam." I sobbed and he just stayed silent.

"It's not your fault," he said again after a while.

"Don't you get it? It is my fault."

"It's not! Now shut up!" he screamed and that kept me quiet.

We both just stayed silent for the next few hours. I think he was sleeping on the couch but I didn't really know. I moved my body and noticed that the anesthesia had worn off. I decided to go for a walk but then I noticed that I had dextrose on me so I decided to just lay there staring at the ceiling waiting for something to happen…


	4. Chapter 4

"If you're awake, I'm sorry," I said breaking the silence. I was tired of the silence and I probably needed to talk to someone.

"I don't want another apology coming out from that mouth of yours so I suggest you just keep it shut." He ordered.

"I'm-"

"Save it." He said sighing. He then got up. "You never do what you're told, do you?"

"I guess not." I said.

"Well, I guess that makes two of us." He said scratching his head

"How so?" I asked curiously

"He told me not to tell you but the only reason he wanted you to cancel that party of yours was because he was going to propose to you. He gave this to me before he left." He said getting up and handing me a small red box coated with velvet.

"H-he was g-gonna p-propose?" I said as I started to cry once more.

"Yea," he said softly. He sat beside me and I sat up. He wrapped his arm around me and tried his best to comfort me.

"I'm so s-stupid. I c-can't b-believe this." I sobbed

"Neither can I," he said kissing the side of my head. John used to do this to me when I cried to. Now I just feel stupid and guilty. This is too much. I made a mistake and I regret it. I just wish I can turn back time and start all over. I want him back. If it were possible, I'd switch places with him. He really wasn't supposed to die this young. He still had a life ahead of him. Being 21 is still a long path from the road of death. I should've been the one who died, not him because I made him miserable. I turned him down and all he ever wanted to do was propose. I am such a selfish person. I should've just canceled, but no, this just had to happen. So all I did was cry. I'm a helpless human being with no sense of generosity I shouldn't be here right now. I shouldn't be comforted by his best friend. This was supposed to be John's place and sooner or later he'd just forget about me. Why do I have to live?

"I shouldn't be here right now. I shouldn't be breathing. I should've just died with him. Why am I alive?" I complained.

"Look, there were a lot of last minute things John told me not to tell you but I'm sure that he wouldn't mind right now so here it goes. After the accident happened, someone called an ambulance and both of you were rushed in the hospital. Apparently, your heart was failing and you needed a transplant. Since there was not much time, and since you and John had the same blood type, John sacrificed himself and left his heart with you and he said 'take me with you wherever you go.' He gave you his heart and now you have to keep it. He told me that he loved you and that I should protect you no matter what." Liam said and he started to cry.

I just sat there stunned. I felt his heart beat against my chest and I just couldn't stop crying. This was very idiotic of him. I maybe mad at him but right now I can't argue he's gone and he'll never come back. I don't think I can ever love someone ever again.

"T-thank you" I managed to say. He didn't say anything he just tightened his grip on me this time with his other arm to help him.

"I'll protect you no matter what. I promised him." He said holding back the tears.

"You can cry. It's okay." I whispered in his ear.

"No, how can I fulfill my promise if that's all I'll ever do?" he said breaking the warm embrace he made.

"He'll understand Liam,"

"I know but I don't want to cry." He said grabbing a tissue from the side table. He wiped away the tears that were falling down.

"Stop, it's hopeless." I said pushing his arm away gently.

"It's the least I can do right now."

"It's okay, I can do it myself" I said.

And that was what we did day after day; Liam nursed me and helped me until I got out of the hospital and into my house. He slept there with me for a few days and he wouldn't stop asking me if I needed any help with anything.

We mourned for John and attended his funeral where everyone was just crying their eyes out. I don't know about everyone else but I'm sure I did. They knew about the accident but they didn't know that it was my fault. I know Liam told me that it really isn't my fault but I can't help but blame myself for it.


	5. Chapter 5

I couldn't remember what exactly happened after everyone offered their condolences for John but when I opened my eyes, I found myself lying on my bed wrapped in the sheets that was once wrapped around him too. At first, it was quite hard to open my eyes. It felt like someone placed a whole lot of weights on my lids.

"Good morning," Liam's voice chimed in.

"You're still here?" I croaked. My voice was very hoarse and my throat hurt a lot.

"Yup, looking after you. Here have a drink." He said handing me the glass of water that was on the tray he set down on the side table.

"You really don't have to do this you know." I said gulping down the water that was in the glass.

"That's what you think," he said. His mood made me wonder. It made me wonder if he already got over the death of his best friend or if he's trying to stay strong because his best friend asked him too.

"I'm serious. You can even go home now and go do whatever you have to on a Monday morning." I said realizing how fast time slipped by.

"I don't have to. I've already brought everything I need to entertain me and at the same time watch you. I brought them over before you woke up." He said taking the empty glass away from me and giving me a bowl of cereal with chocolate syrup all over it.

"What the hell is this supposed to be?" I asked.

"Its called breakfast. Try it," he said giving me a spoonful of it. I opened my mouth and ate the cereal coated with chocolate syrup.

"This is kinda good," I said with my mouth full.

"Can't help but say I told you so," he said giving me a small giggle. He really knows how to make me happy even when I really shouldn't be. Simple words. That's all he needs to give me a good time. John used to make me laugh too but he had to go really far to do it.

I finished breakfast and drank another glass of water while Liam went down and washed the utensils that I used. Since I had nothing else to do, I took a bath. I think it took an hour or so before I got out of the bathroom and changed my pajamas. Right now, I feel refreshed but my eyes still feel really heavy. I went down the stairs and into the living room where Liam was sitting on the couch.

"Hey," I said. My throat didn't really hurt as much anymore.

"Well that's unusual," he said. He was playing Grand Theft Auto on the PS2 John bought months ago.

"What is?" I asked sitting next to him.

"It's amazing that you actually got up and took a bath." He said putting the game on pause.

"Whatever," I said

"Wanna play?" he asked handing me the controller he was using.

"No it's fine, you play," I told him.

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure," I said rolling my eyes.

"Alrighty then," he said pressing resume.

While he played, I just sat there staring at the guy who was stealing cars and robbing and beating people up and I wondered if the guy in the truck was the same kind of guy. But I can't blame that truck driver. That'd be stupid. Just sitting here thinking of him and what could've happened if I never turned him down is stupid. I know I can't turn back time so why even try? Maybe I'm just stupid. Stupid enough to realize that maybe this would be an opportunity to start anew but I don't want it. I want things back to the way they should've been, before the accident. If I could turn back time and do this all over again, I would, no matter what.


	6. Chapter 6

It took him about two hours to finish playing the game and all I did was sit there staring at the ceiling doing nothing. I did nothing because I really did not know what to do.

"You wanna get something to eat?" Liam asked making me look at the clock. It was already twelve thirty.

"Okay," I said.

"Would it be okay if we went out to eat because there's really nothing you can eat here," he said softly.

"I guess,"

"Okay so where do you want to go?" he asked returning to the normal volume of his voice.

"I don't know. You choose," I said yawning. It was unusual that I was still quite sleepy at this time of day but it's only natural I guess. I cried all night what else would I expect?

"How 'bout McDonald's?"

"Works for me," I said getting up.

"Let's get going then," he said getting up and making his way through the door. I followed him out the door and in to his car. At first I was hesitant but I got over it.

"If it's alright with you, can you drive slowly?" I asked softly. It was too soft that I thought he didn't hear me.

"Sure," he answered proving me wrong.

"Thanks," I said ending the discussion.

I never thought that he was this nice. Whenever Liam and John would hang out, Liam is usually the arrogant kind of guy and I never really knew that there was a soft side somewhere in him. But my guess is that it's just a way of moving on. I like the new him. Right now, he's what I can definitely call a real friend.

"We're here," he said taking the silence away. I looked around and he got out of the car and walked over to my side and opened the door for me. What a gentleman he was.

"Thank you," I said as I got out of the car. He shut the door and smiled back at me. He locked the car and escorted me inside McDonald's

"What do you want?" he asked looking up at the menu. I did the same.

"Maybe a cheeseburger, large fries and a regular coke would do." I said looking at him staring down at me.

"Okay, well why don't you go save us a table while I order. You okay with that?" he asked lining up.

"Ya, sure, oh and here," I said reaching in to my pocket to give him some money. I remember I had about 20 dollars in my pocket.

"No, it's okay. I'll pay for everything," he said taking my hand out of my pocket.

"You sure?" I asked.

"Yea, just find a table and I'll be right there in a few," he said.

"Okay," I said looking for an empty table. As soon as I found a table, I sat there and looked out the window while I waited for him.

It seemed like forever but that was what everyday seemed like. So eventually I got used to it. A few minutes passed by and Liam came with a very full tray. I guess he was really hungry.

"Let's eat," he said giving me what I ordered. We ate in silence and for some reason, looking at him, looking at his eyes made my stomach churn. That same feeling I got when I saw John for the first time.


	7. Chapter 7

It took me some time to realize that all I was actually doing was stare at him. It was really weird at first but then I started to understand what exactly was happening and then my realizations subsided in my head and it woke my conscience up. All this time, it had been saying "Are you out of your mind? Because I'm sure I'm still here waiting for you to get inside." Translation: this is bad.

"Aren't you gonna eat that?" he asked finally looking up from his lunch.

"Uh, yeah, right, sorry." I said taking a french fry and placing it in my mouth while he stuffed his face with more food. I started to eat a little amount of the cheeseburger and noticed that it had been a very long time since I ate in a fast food restaurant. A week to be exact.

"Want anything else?" he asked burping.

"No, I'm good." I said laughing at him.

"Excuse me," he said getting up. He was sort of blushing. You can tell because his cheeks turn red.

While he went to order something, I sat there chewing the food and sipping my drink. I was already through eating once he came back with a hot fudge sundae.

"You sure you don't want anything else?" he asked reassuringly.

"Yes, I'm very sure," I said patting my stomach which was only half full.

"Okay. Where do you wanna go now?" he asked taking another spoonful of ice cream.

"I was thinking maybe the beach." I said and he froze. Was the ice cream too cold?

"At this time of year?" he asked with his mouth full.

"Yea, why not?" I said.

"Because it's freezing outside and you might get a cold or you might get sick," he said in a matter-of-fact kinda way.

"Well, we can go home if you're not up to it." I teased.

"We'll go but we have to stop by the house for a while. You'll need a jacket." He said getting up and reaching for the keys in his pocket.

"Okay, fine," I said getting up as well. We climbed back in the car and drove home.

"Wait here," he said as soon as we reached the garage.

"Okay," I said watching him as he climbed out of the car and went into the house. It took him about 5 minutes to throw the empty cup that was once filled with ice cream away and to grab two jackets. One for me and one for him.

"Here," he said handing me a jacket as he climbed in the car.

"You didn't really have to you know," I said putting it on.

"Don't worry, you'll thank me later," he said backing away from the garage and into the open road.

We drove for about thirty minutes without saying a word to each other. Once we got to the beach, Liam parked the car in the parking lot and shut the engine. I unlocked my own door, eager to get out and feel the cold, leaving Liam in the car.

"Hey, wait up!" he shouted from his car. I was already walking through the sand that was mixed with snow looking for a spot to sit. He came running after me.

When he finally caught up with me, he was gasping for air and I can see the clouds of his breath as he exhales.

"You should wait for me next time, okay?" he said walking right next to me.

"Sorry but this was something I have always wanted to do. He never let me do this." I said.

"Then why do it now?" he asked softly

"I don't know," I said looking at the waves crashing on the shore. I really did not know what I was doing standing here looking at the waves in December.

"You wanna sit down?" he said with an unsure tone.

"Sure," I said. But when I sat down, I started to cry. I started to cry because this was stupid, idiotic and immature. I was doing everything he didn't want me to do. What the hell is wrong with me?

"Please, don't cry. Your eyes are tired enough." He said putting his arm over me.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed and held him tight so tight that I thought I'd never let go.

I just cried more and more and I didn't really know when to stop anymore. I moved away from him when I realized that he was getting wet. I didn't want to disgust him so I tried to move but he held me tighter.

"It's okay, I don't mind getting soaked," he said and I just felt bad so I broke away from his grip.

"No, it's bad enough that I dragged you here with me," I said wiping my nose with the hanky that was in my pocket.

We stayed in silence for a while. A while that seemed like forever could never replace. I just kept looking at the ocean in the very cool breeze. Then, I glanced at him and I saw that he was staring at me and I don't know how much time passed exactly but what I did know was that our lips met and everything fell crashing down like waves in the ocean before me.


	8. Chapter 8

"I'm sorry," he said breaking away from me.

"No, I-" I said moving in, closer to him. But he just went away leaving me on the cold sand filled with snow. He went away cussing and screaming at the wide open space before him, away from me.

I couldn't really do anything so I just played with the sand beneath me and waited for him to come back. At first I thought that he would never come back but he came back with a red nose and blood shot eyes.

"I swore to him that I would never do anything like this," he said sitting back down beside me.

"Well I guess that makes the two of us," I said. One unusual thing about all of this was that I wasn't guilty as charged. Not one bit and I just don't know what else I was capable of anymore.

"This is so fucked up," he said making me realize that his true self was coming out. But I really didn't want that to happen.

"I'm sorry," I said trying to make him feel better because that was what he did to me ever since you-know-what

"What for?" he asked.

"For making everything so fucked up for you," I said playing with the sand.

"Hey, there's nothing to apologize about," he said kneeling in front of me while cupping my face in his hands.

"Yes, there is something I should apologize, in fact there are a lot of things I should apologize about," I said looking in to his eyes. We stayed like that for quite a long time.

"I can't do this," he said getting up yet again. He just faced the ocean. I stood up and embraced him from behind.

"I need you," I said not really thinking twice about the words that were coming out of my mouth.

"I don't know if you're really aware of what you're saying," Liam said turning back to face me.

"It doesn't matter," I said. Guilt was now on my side. It was running through my veins. Why? Because I wasn't sure if I needed him or if I thought of him as a rebound to make me move on.

"You don't know what you're asking for," he said taking my hands of him in a gentle way.

"What if I do? What if all this time I actually started to like you? What if-" he said crashing into me. His hands on my neck and my hands on his waist.

My knees started to get weak so I started to get down back on the sand. He followed and then we were lying on the sand just making out. I didn't care where we exactly were, I didn't care what we were doing. I just didn't care.

"So it's gonna be like this from now on?" he asked as he gasped for air.

"I don't know, it doesn't have to be if you don't want it to be." I said stroking his dark brown hair.

"I have always wanted you for myself. I just couldn't go behind his back. It was too much for me." He said.

"Was, it's the past so why don't we look at the present and maybe the future. I'm not saying that we should just forget about him because I really don't want to forget about him but I'm sure if he wanted us to be happy, he wouldn't want us to be trapped in the past. I'm sure way up there, he wants us to look ahead of us with nothing holding us back. Not even him." I said pointing at the sky.

"Maybe," he sighed.

We were only inches apart and I can feel his breath on me. It was warm and comforting. I looked in to his hazel brown eyes only noticing now how beautiful they really were. I kissed him on the lips and drifted away with his lips on mine.


	9. Chapter 9

Soon, I know it seems crazy but we got tired so what we did was lay down on the sand looking at the sky above us. Silence surrounded us and we heard nothing more than a cool breeze on a Monday afternoon. We just lay there side by side with our hands clasped together until he started to move.

"The sun is setting," he said sitting up. I sat up and looked at the horizon before us.

"What time is it?" I asked. I wasn't really keeping track of the time so it was hard to tell when the sun was setting just looking at the sky.

"Probably it's like 5:15 p.m. it's getting late so why don't we head home?" he said

"I guess," I said getting up and dusting my pants.

He got up as well and this time I waited for him before I left and walked to his car. I wouldn't want him running again so I lent him my patience. Once he was ready to go, he held my hand and we walked going back to his car. We reached his car after a few strides and got in. We left the cold, deserted beach and warmed ourselves with the heater of the car. It didn't take long to get home when both of us laughed at how stupid we both were making a public display of affection. It was true that we were both shameless and crazy but at least no one was there to see what we were doing or so I thought. What if someone was there? Would it really matter? I mean probably it was just a stranger. Either way, I just let it go and continued laughing with Liam because right now, it seemed like the best thing to do.

When we arrived, I got out of my side of the door and stretched my limbs. I was obviously tired. I was walking towards the front door when all of a sudden, Liam scooped me up in his arms and carried me like a bride after the wedding ceremony.

"I can walk you know," I reminded him putting my arms around his neck.

"I know but you seem tired," he said managing to open the front door with me on his arms. I know I was heavy but there seemed to be no strain in his voice. Maybe he was hiding it.

"I'm really heavy you know," I said trying to make myself a little bit lighter as he carried me up the stairs.

"Yea, your weight proves it," he said with deep sarcasm in his tone.

"I'm serious," I said losing the effort of making myself a bit lighter.

"Face it, you're as thin as a stick," he said placing me down on my bed.

"No, I'm not!" I exclaimed.

"Okay, whatever you say." He said sitting on the bed beside me.

"So what should I do now?" I asked.

"How should I know? I don't control you. You decide for yourself." He said.

"But the last time I did that it led to-"

"Not another word about it, understand?" he said placing his hand over my mouth before I finished my sentence.

"Sorry," I said through his hand.

"Again with the apologies," he said taking his hand away. Then I yawned.

"If it makes you feel any better-"

"Just go to sleep," he said nicely.

I did what he said and got some sleep. I don't know where he went or if he's still there. All I know is that I was tired and the bed got me lost.

I slept a while and all of a sudden, I was in this cloudy place. A place that made you think that you were in heaven. That exact same setting everyone sees when they die on the television. I didn't know where to go or what to do exactly but there was one question on my mind. Was I dead? That question ran around my head for quite a while until I saw someone standing far away from me. I tried to say something but I couldn't. In fact I couldn't hear anything at all. So what I did was I run to him. I ran as fast as I could or at least I thought I was. When I finally reached him, I tapped his shoulder because I couldn't say anything. When he turned back, I realized that it was John. He was looking right back at me but it seemed like he didn't know me because he looked horrified. Did something happen to me? Is there something wrong? I wanted to say something or scream at him. I missed him so much and I just wanted to tell him how sorry I was. But whenever I try, it's like someone kept dragging me away from him. I tried to hold on to him but all he kept doing was wave goodbye at me and taking my grip away. He didn't want me anymore. He was gone and so was I…


	10. Chapter 10

After a while, everything went black and I couldn't see anything at all. I tried to move around but I couldn't feel my body. It was as if something made me numb. It was like the anesthesia that ran through my body the day I knew he died. There was nothing I could do but wake up so I slowly opened my eyes to see the bright rays of light from the sun through the window. I felt an arm wrapped around me. I turned around to see that it was Liam that held me tight. I didn't want to wake him so I slowly took his arm and placed it on the side of the bed where I slept with gentle movements. I walked to the comfort room to wash my face and the memory of seeing him in that cloudy place. But sadly, the only thing that was refreshed was my face, not my mind. The scenes played over and over again inside my head and there was nothing else I could think about. I knew this would happen. I knew that he would come back to haunt me.

"Rachel?" Liam called from the bed room. I didn't answer him. I just stayed silent. I didn't want him to see me like this.

"Rachel? Where are you?" he called out yet again with a voice that sounded very tired. I pitied him but did nothing to help him. If he wanted to find me, he might as well get up and look everywhere. I know that I'm being irrational but isn't it normal for someone to be like that every once in a while?

"You okay?" he said as he opened the door of the bathroom. I shook my head and sunk down with my back to the wall.

"What happened?" he asked sitting next to me.

"Nothing," I whispered.

"No, this is something. Tell me, what happened?" he demanded.

"He's haunting me," I said finally giving in. I glanced at him and all he did was shake his head.

"He's no haunting you-"

"Yes he is," I said cutting him off.

"It's all in your head Rach," he said taking my hand.

"No, it's not. It's true!" I said trying to defend myself.

"Look you only think that because you miss him." He said cupping my face with both of his hands.

"Don't you miss him too?" I asked and he slowly put his hands down.

"Ya, I do but I can't cry over spilled milk forever." He said.

"I know but-"

"Just think about the good times you guys spent and it will all turn out to be fine." He said getting up. He took my hand and pulled me up as well.

"But I can't do that," I said without really thinking of what to say next.

"Why not?" he asked and I paused for a little longer than a little while.

"Because I'll only miss him more and he's going to come back and haunt me in my sleep," I said

"Stop acting childish. He won't haunt you. I won't let him. You got that?" he said annoyed.

"How?" I asked rather curiously.

"I'll find a way," he said and with that he took my hand and led me back to the bedroom.

"Why are we back here? I don't really feel like sleeping anymore." I said honestly.

"Are you kidding? It's like 4 in the freakin' morning," he said acting a wee bit cranky.

"I guess lying on the bed won't hurt," I said climbing on the bed and rolling over to my side. I lay there staring at the ceiling as he lay down beside me. He shut his eyes and we cuddled.

"I love you," he whispered in to my ear.


	11. Chapter 11

"I love you too, John," I said cuddling in to him. He pushed me away.

"John?" he said with a bit of temper.

"I mean Liam," I said feeling kinda bad.

"I can't believe you just said that." He said getting up.

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to." I said getting up as well.

"I told you that the only reason why he was in your head was because you miss him. That doesn't give you a right to call me John." He said getting angry.

"I said I was sorry. Cut me some slack will you?" I said. My eyes were feeling heavier and heavier.

"I need some air." He said walking out of the room.

"Liam I-"

"Save it." He said and shut the door.

I made a mistake. People do that every day why can't he just accept the fact that I'm not perfect and I tend to make mistakes especially in these situations? Maybe to other people like him it would hurt but can you blame me for missing a man I killed?

I lay back down and started crying. Only now I know that there's no way I can possibly live without him. It's too difficult. Knowing that the car crushed his chances of living was like a dagger to my heart. It hurt so much that even until now, after the funeral, I still can't get over it.

So here I am lying on the bed where he and I used to sleep but only now, he's gone and now I know he'll never come back. Your face, your smile and those eyes I don't think I can ever forget them. I reached for tissue paper on the side table but I couldn't see any so I got up and looked for some in the drawer. When I opened the first drawer, your drawer, I found an envelope with my name on it. I opened it and saw a letter that you made. It said:

December 25, 2008

Dear Rachel,

Right now, I'm confused. I really want to ask you but I don't know what you would say. I don't know how you'd react and I don't know if you would agree to cancel the party that you have every year. But hopefully this year, you would because I plan to take you away and marry you and never come back. Wasn't that our dream? Just us in the island that you and I would buy and stay there for the rest of our lives but we'd come back every once in a while. We can do whatever we want anyway since we're already out of college and I have a job and all. I promise I can support you but if you don't think that this is the best time then I think I would understand. Probably by now, we would be dressing up for the wedding or you would still be wearing the engagement ring but either way, we'd be together. This Christmas, believe it or not, I didn't wish for anything. I know that you wouldn't believe me because I always have something to wish for but this year, it's different because all I want for Christmas is you. Its lame I know but it's true. I hope that you feel the same way about me too.

There are so many things that I would want to tell you but it would take forever to write down so I guess I'll just keep it to myself and tell you personally someday.

Did I ever tell you that you look so cute when you sleep? You cuddle so close and sometimes I wish that I could keep you forever beside me but it's your choice, not mine. Right now, I'm watching you sleep right now as I'm writing this letter and I hope that you would treasure this because I never say shit like this.

So to sum it all down all I wanna say is that I LOVE YOU and I always will no matter what. I'm sorry if I'm not the only one for you but I'm sure that you're the only one for me. ILY…

Love,

John

And this is how I ended up lying awake at 3 A.M. in the morning just thinking of you.


End file.
